An Open Letter to Danica Patrick

Dear Ms. Patrick:

You’ve had a rough weekend. You were in two big car accidents. Most people get into a fender bender and for weeks it’s all they talk about. They consult doctors, lawyers and learn Reiki, but not you. You get back into another car and wreck again.

First, it should be said that neither accident was your fault. And, secondly, please know we have much respect for you. Even the race announcers lauded the way you handled the first crash, having the wherewithal to take your hands off the wheel to avoid arm injury. With any of us there’d just be a lot of screaming and moisture. But I digress. The reason why I’m writing to you today is because we’re concerned for your well being, and want to offer you a safer gig.

An Incident at your work:

An incident at our work:

Sure you’re the spokesperson for GoDaddy, the monster in the domain business, but they have to pay you to do it. That brings up my point: what’s more valuable, a logo on your car, or your health? Listen, when we saw you hit the wall in the Daytona 500 qualifying race, we thought, “OMG, Danica is toast.” But you just got out of the car and started cussing. Now that’s our woman.

We’ll set you up with a much less risky job. One where the pace isn’t as dangerous, and the only accident was when a leak in the pressure tank made our kegerator inoperable. It was pretty scary, but when the panic subsided we walked across the street and got a twelve pack. Now that’s living Danica, and it’s the kind of thing that’ll keep you stress-free and alive for years to come. I’m not sure we can say the same for auto racing (or spending time with Bob and that elephant gun.)

Oh, and once you get here you won’t be without wheels. We have several of these cool new wheeled desk/chair combos in the office. Most of us have to take turns, but we’ll make sure you get one whenever you want it.

Yes, the pay will be considerably less, but the payoff? Fewer broken bones and no pit crew spit. In the immortal words of that soothing Mastercard guy: Priceless. And we’ll throw in one of the Dev guys. His name is Pat and he’s from Maine, which means he’s really nice and grew up in a cottage instead of a house. I know you’re already married, but we’ll just let you have him. It’s what we’ve got at Name.com, good people, so we’re certain you’ll fit right in.

Please consider Name.com as an option. No hard feelings if you decide to stay, but just remember who’s looking out for you. I’m not sure if it’s the people who keep you around as long as you tinker with disaster every weekend. That’s not us, Danica. We’re cool.